Small Blessings

I had written a whole post on Sunday, but never published it as I was having trouble downloading pictures. I thought I will give it overnight and go back to it tomorrow. It’s funny how little things keep happening to show me how God is working in my life. The post was so negative, filled with fear and uncertainty and was a total reflection of my thoughts at the time.  God pumped the brakes on my pity party. (Thank you for small blessings)

I woke up Monday feeling great and went on a two mile walk while giving glory to God for my blessings. I have been made to be still the last several months, and I am so much more aware of the small signs and timing that God is weaving into my life.

Let me give an update on my first chemo treatment. I was so damn nervous and scared on the way there. It was a surreal drive to the hospital, and I replayed all the details of the last couple of months not believing what we were about to do. Being my emotional self lately, I just cried the whole way there. Mike just let me and told me to get it out of my system before we went in. Usually, he talks me off the ledge, but I was really glad he didn’t shoot rainbows, unicorns, and glitter up my ass in that moment. We walk in and they called me back to the treatment room and I was like ‘Whoa, I am not ready because my port still is bandaged and I didn’t yet put the Lidocaine cream on it.’  This sweet 20 something year old girl was like okay we can wait an hour or I can just access it.     I kept looking at Mike waiting for him to step in and save me…he didn’t. Haha. So, as I watched all these 70 and 80 year old women get their IVs put in their veins and not flinch, I told her just do it but don’t talk to me. When she cleaned it she told me I couldn’t breathe on it in order to not put my germs on it. I was like, honey, my face is going to be over in the ER because I am not even looking that direction. I will say it wasn’t bad. It was more pressure when she punctured it, and she even drew a couple tubes of blood and I didn’t even know it. First scary part complete. She made me lay there for a while to ensure I didn’t pass out and then they sent me back to the waiting room to see the Dr. prior to the infusions. It was the first time I felt like a cancer patient. I had all these access points hanging from my chest and i was about to really do this. I met with the Dr. and she told my blood counts were excellent and there was no reason we can’t start the chemo. She did notice how anxious I was and told me she would give me a little something to take the edge off. (Thank you). So, off I went to my chemo pod. I had to wait a while as the nurse was working on two other patients. She promised me it would be more uneventful than I was expecting. Haha!  Does she know me?  I will say it was pretty uneventful (post meds). They started by first giving me a steroid and two anti-nausea meds. That took about 30 minutes. Then they brought out the Red Devil. You want to know fear look the Red Devil in the eye. The nurse had to suit up in a full gown and wear glasses to manually push this juice in my veins. She administered it over a period of thirty minutes. I was praying I wouldn’t have any crazy reaction and surprisingly I didn’t. I took my IV pole for a potty break after that while she worked on another patient and got the next drug ready. The next drug went in over a period of two hours. If they do it to fast it can cause you a severe headache. Volunteers kept coming by asking if I wanted snacks or wanted a drink or a warm blanket. It was pretty uneventful, but I was exhausted afterwards and came home and curled up in the couch. A few pics of the day.

I had a peppermint in my mouth here  the taste you get is pretty awful as the drugs go in.


Meet the Red Devil…


The week did go by really slowly, but again the fear of the unknown is the worst. I am happy to report no nausea with this round. I did have extreme fatigue on Day 3 and 4 like nothing I have ever experienced. It was hard for me to just sit and do nothing but on those days that is all I could do. I did have a strange red rash pop up on my arm Tuesday morning and my Dr sent me for an ultrasound to rule out a blood clot. Fortunately, that was ruled out and chalked up to a weird reaction to the chemo. Main issues have been being tired, feeling light-headed and shaky, indigestion(sorry family, I love you for putting up with me), and my lips are starting to crack. That’s it. I am focusing on nutrition to build my blood counts back up this week and walking to stay strong and of course resting. (The hardest part for me)

I am grateful that other post did not get published because it was a real downer. I am so blessed this is all I have to report. I know this and I am drilling this into my head. I placed my anxiety and fear in God’s hands and he is working in me to remove them hour by hour. It’s a long journey, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I also found this Sunday during my pity party and I looked up and thanked him for the reminder.

Next treatment is 29May. Thank you for the calls and texts, it really keeps my spirits up.

All my love…live each day big for you never know what tomorrow will bring.


4 thoughts on “Small Blessings

  1. You are doing this with dignity and strength. God is your driver and you are in good hands. How many treatments are you scheduled for? You can and will do this!!!


    1. Hi Jean! Thank you so much. My treatments will end in September. I have three different drugs to take. The first two will be given over four cycles every other week (end in June) and the third drug will be given every week for 12 weeks. I appreciate your encouragement.


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