Unrealized Fragility

Webster defines fragility as being easily broken or damaged.  Life is full of constant motion allowing us to push feelings and issues to the side to continue moving forward.  I worked really hard during the months of December through February to deal with my anxieties and fears that had been boiling this past year due to everything I had been through.  It hit me like a wall during these months because I didn’t know how to go about my life again without cancer, doctors, nurses, and appointments.  My doctor said, “Welcome to Survivorship”.  Pardon me?  This is it…well it kind of stinks.  However, with each passing month, I felt better and started talking to a therapist.  I felt good again physically and mentally.  I envisioned what my new year would look like…so many possibilities.

Going into my 1 year check-up and mammogram, I was confident.  Do you hear me?  Like really CONFIDENT, I was going to leave that office and do the Toyota jump for joy and tell all of you I was Cancer Free.  I never once expected to hear, ‘ we see calcification on your left breast this time…we need to look at closer.”  My body went numb, my legs began to shake and I was really trying hard to fight back the tears.  It was all I could do stand there for more scans.  Again, I thought it will  be fine, they will come back and say everything looks fine at the closer view.  No, instead the nurse pulls me in the small changing room and said the radiologist wanted to talk to me.  I lost it!  Like uncontrollable sobbing.  It was like reliving the same nightmare I lived approximately 1 year prior.  I felt so small in that moment, and why in the HELL had I not learned to make someone come with me.  In that moment, I realized just how fragile my mental state really is.  It’s like you think the ties that bind are loosening, and maybe they are, but they will always loosely hold you.  It’s like that old saying, ‘it’s all fun and games until…’  Well, for me, it goes like this, ‘it’s all fun and games until the doctor comes in and tells you something is wrong.’

This is me…easily broken and easily damaged.  I am numb as I face another biopsy.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  My body feels empty and lost, my mind wanders, and my eyes show exhaustion.  I pray hard each day with selfish requests begging God to hold me, protect me, and keep me safe from cancer.  The thought of possibly taking this journey again so soon is daunting and overwhelming.  Can I do it?  Will my body hold up again?  Will it be nothing and all of this is a moot point? The story is yet unwritten…life on pause until next week’s results.

Whatever the outcome of the biopsy, I now realize just how damaged I am from this monster known as cancer.  Despite my strong attitude and positivity, underneath, I will forever be fragile.  Now I know….

Live each day big, for you never now what tomorrow will bring.

All my love,

Rachel